The Dreaded Midlife Sex Crisis

 

Sometimes, for the women with busier than usual lives, time flies by so fast that looking at an older picture of yourself is an instant doorway to reminiscing.

Staring at the pictures of your past, and subconsciously comparing them with what you see in the mirror may kick you into deep thoughts — feeling the emotions hardly describable by words.

All your life, you might have heard sayings like "Lost time is never found again," or "Time waits for no one," but it is only in the middle age you realize the true meaning of such words - And how hard they can hit.

Not just you've got a few gray hairs, and some wrinkles here and there, but a lot has changed. Most importantly, your sex life!

You only realize you're having a midlife sex crisis when the sex gets absolutely terrible, and your libido seems to be lost in a place, whose whereabouts are as unknown to you as some faraway galaxy.  

Don't you worry, it's more common than you think. 

Studies show that as much as 32% of married couples, who are 40 to 60 years of age find themselves experiencing midlife sex issues and problems.

As much as you and I would love to believe that "Happy ever after" does exist, the reality is that... it just doesn't.

The best thing about the romantic spark between couples is that it shines bright, but the worst thing about it is that it doesn't shine for long, unless you decide to put in the extra work!

I have constant discussions with friends and fellow midlifers and one major area of concern we talk about is how our ‘libido’ bounces up and down like tennis balls; and how it affects intimacy with our spouses.

I hear stuff like “I don’t have the urge for sex anymore and my husband thinks it’s something he did... but it’s just me.” or “I don’t know why I get so irritated when my husband touches me... and it’s affecting our marriage...” and more rants!

As I listen to lamentations on how the romantic spark is dying a natural death in their marriages, I realize that our socio cultural dispositions inculcated in us have somehow held us spell bound into believing that it’s okay to do nothing. But says who?

Granted, that being over-familiar with your partner does take away the thrill factor which keeps things fresh and excited in your bedroom; but neither is it the only reason behind your midlife sexual crisis, nor it should be seen as a green flag for cheating on, or separating from your spouse.

Studies have shown that major factors that contribute more to your midlife sex crisis are aging, hormones, insecurities, and a dull sex routine.

We're well aware that discussing only the problems is also a part of the problem — that's why whenever we think over a problem or reason around a dilemma; we must put efforts into solving them, as well.

I am neither a Midlife Sex Coach nor a Marriage Counselor, neither am I a Sexologist. But let’s have a quick glance at some studied reasons behind your marital midlife sex crisis, and discuss some suggested things we can and can't do about them.

Aging and Hormones

You thought aging would be just fine lines and drier skin, right? It's wild how different the reality can be from our preconceived notions.

As we age, our hormones take as much of a toll as our skin. The estrogen levels decrease. There may be vaginal dryness or slower to no arousal.

Orgasms? Hah, rarer than a unicorn!

For men, aging causes a drop in their testosterone levels and erection span. It could very well take away their confidence in its entirety. 

To beat the effects of aging on your sexual life, you'll have to spice things up in the bed. We'll talk about this in a while.

 

Insecurities

"Am I as desirable as I used to be?" Don't tell me you're 40 and haven't wondered about it.

Maybe briefly, or perhaps it keeps you up all night, but this question crosses the minds of even the prettiest of faces.

Your opinion of yourself plays a tremendous role in your sex life, and usually not in a positive way.

Yes, you're gorgeous! You're wonderful. That's why your partner chose you over everyone else to marry - When insecure, keep this in mind.

Also, remember that nothing is more attractive than someone who progresses! Join a gym, start running, dancing, yoga — anything! Better yourself physically, and your self-esteem will follow.

Dull and Automated Sex Routine

In our youth, we have all the energy in the world, but no time. In midlife, we have more time on our hands than we can productively spend, but no energy. 

This lack of vibrancy and energy flows into our sex lives pretty easily.

For both: ladies and gentlemen, the saying "Use it or lose it" is indeed TRUE, when it comes to sex.

If every sexual encounter you have with your partner involves the exact same two or three positions, you're not only missing out on sex you don't know you'll enjoy, but also killing your sexual drive.

Tell us, when was the last time you repeatedly watched an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and laughed more than you did the first time? Would it be more amusing the next time, or plain boring?

Repetition is flat out dull. Heat things up in the bedroom. Or, maybe outside the bedroom for a change.

Resolve Your Midlife Sex Crisis By Spicing Things Up The Right Way!

 

• The first and foremost advice I can give you is to break up the mundane routine.

Explore different positions, different rooms, and different times of day! You'll never know how the little changes spark things up until you try them out by yourself.  Don’t let cultural and traditional inhibitions ruin your intimacy!

 

• Communication is a key that unlocks everything, even the solution to the midlife sex crisis that gives you so much anxiety.
  
  Talk! Open your heart to your partner. Let them know what you're going through. Do you feel insecure? Not as attractive as you once felt? Bring it to their notice.

You can start with something along the lines of "I feel very uncomfortable/vulnerable telling you this, but..."

Simply conveying your feelings would strengthen your emotional bond, which is BADLY needed for a great sex life! Especially in middle age.

 

 

• Lastly, know that sex goes beyond your V and your partner's P.
  
  It feels very good when you feel strongly for your spouse. It feels even better when you're admired. The emotional aspects of it outperform the physical ones in the pleasure department any day. 

Now, when was the last time you complimented your spouse?

Or even just gently touched him and said something nice like "Hey hun, you look lovely today! I really appreciate everything that you do." Been years?

Emotions reflect. He'll admire you more when he knows he's appreciated. A little more love in the emotional bond goes a long way in boosting your sex life.

In conclusion, when all you've tried fails and you continue to find it difficult to express your feelings and emotions about your fluctuating and somersaulting libido, I strongly advise you and your spouse seek professional help from Sexologists and Sex & Relationship Therapists.

Make that choice to put in the extra effort. There’s Life in Midlife!

Have any queries, feedback or suggestions? Leave a comment! We’d love to hear from you!